


cracked glass

by herwhiteknight



Series: 365 Days of Sarah/Cosima [32]
Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, One-Sided Attraction, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-19
Updated: 2018-01-19
Packaged: 2019-03-06 15:35:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13414305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/herwhiteknight/pseuds/herwhiteknight
Summary: It was supposed to get easier.





	cracked glass

**Author's Note:**

> inspiration taken from r.h. Sin's poem "cracked glass", which i legally cannot reproduce here, but the fic title is taken from the poem bearing the same title within the poem collection "whiskey words & a shovel vol.1"
> 
> Day 33 of 365 (hey we're still doing this!!)

Sarah stared at herself in the mirror. Then stared at her hands. Bloody knuckles. Back into the mirror once more. Bruised face.

Fourth time this week.

Felix said she needed another outlet for her emotions. Felix always said that. But he, at least, had something more constructive to do whenever his rage went over the top. Not like it ever did, much – never in the same way that Sarah's did.

Because he, at least, had someone to console him after the high, after the rush and fall of the inevitable rage.

Sarah stared at herself in the mirror. It was cracked, reflective paint dusting off like diamonds left to rot. Her image in front of herself was segmented into shards – an eye over here, a split nose there. Sometimes it was hard for her to tell if it was just the reflection that was bloody, or if it was actually her own flesh.

She'd never be sure anymore. Especially not when there was so many other reflections of herself running around out there. Living, breathing reflections. Ones that were actually _happy,_ to make matters even worse.

Sarah snarled, and tried not to think of a very _specific_ reflection who was boundlessly happy. She clenched her fists around the grimy porcelain, forced Cosima out of her mind as best she could. Even though _she_ was the reason she ended up at yet _another_ shithole of a bar in the first place.

Not like it was her fault. Not exactly. Sarah just couldn't tell her that her happiness was the reason that Sarah was miserable. That Cosima only asking her where she went off to in the middle of the night just made things worse.

How could Sarah even justify being _angry_ with her? Cosima had been through enough. Cosima nearly died on her so many times – how could she be upset that Cosima was healthy and _happy?_

_Because she's not happy with you._

Sarah roared, sent her fist crashing down onto the stained sides of the sink. It stung a little, but it wasn't enough. Stepping back, she levelled her gaze at her reflection – the one reflection she could really truly hate – and lashed out as hard as she could, cracks radiating outward from the point of impact across the already shattered mirror.

Another scream tore from her throat as she whirled around in the cramped space, seeking something else to destroy, to wreck.

Felix should be proud to hear that, this time at least, she had managed to separate herself from any potential combatants – because those _always_ ended well for Sarah, given that she tended to entirely forget the fact that she was a mere 5'3 frame.

At least, she _had_ managed to separate herself from other people until now. “What the fuck d'you think you're doing?” a loud, brazen voice carried through the pounding bass, which had suddenly increased in decibels as the door to the washroom was yanked open.

“S'not any of your _fuckin'_ business mate, now is it?” Sarah growled back, turning to face the intruder, a guy whose lumbering frame nearly filled out the whole door frame without much problem. Security, by the looks of his tag.

“It is when you're destroying the property of my establishment,” he replied, folding his arms, completely blocking her escape.

 _The manager. Fuck._ Sarah glanced at the mirror. “Was already broken anyway,” she shrugged, glancing up at him, unimpressed. “Somethin' like that can only be an upgrade, really.”

“Alright, that's enough,” he shook his head, grabbing Sarah's shoulder, easily pulling her along with one hand. “Time to go.”

“'ey, get your-!” Sarah started, twisting in a violent attempt to break free.

“Hey, dude!” a voice called out, cutting off Sarah's protests and stopping the manager short. “I'll take care of her from here, cool?”

Sarah stopped cold, her shoulder cranked in an awkward position due to the guy's grip on her shoulder. But she didn't care. Because Cosima was standing there, an easy grin on her face, looking _completely_ out of place amidst the black and the leather with her colourfully patterned dress and sweater.

The manager gave Cosima a once over with a skeptical eye. “Y'sure about that, miss?”

“Oh, totally,” Cosima nodded, “My sister can get pretty rowdy when she's had too much to drink, but I know how to handle her.” Cosima held her hand out to Sarah, “C'mon Sarah. Let's get you home.”

Sarah almost passively allowed Cosima to take her hand, ignoring the way Cosima's lips tightened in disappointment at the slick feeling of blood across her knuckles. Cosima waved to the man as thanks while Sarah just flipped him off as Cosima dragged her out.

Outside, Cosima pulled away. Sarah hated herself when she felt her stomach drop as the contact disappeared. “What the hell do you think you're doing, Sarah?!” Cosima turned on her.

Sarah just fell against the brick wall of the bar, jamming her toe into a sizable crack in the concrete. Didn't look up.

“This is the _third_ time one of us has had-”

“Fourth,” Sarah mumbled, a little defiantly.

“Oh, it's good that at least _someone_ is keeping track of the fact that you're _clearly_ spiralling out of control!” Cosima snapped. Sarah couldn't even bring herself to feel shame. She just bit her lip and shook her head as Cosima continued somewhere off to her right, “I'm going to call Delphine and let her know that I found you. We've all been worried _sick_ -”

“Oh, y'have, then?” Sarah finally looked up, her gaze meeting Cosima's frustrated one with anger flashing in her eyes. “You've _all_ been worried 'bout me, s'at it?”

“Yes, Sarah!” Cosima started angrily, then sighed, scratching at her scalp between the rows of her dreads. “We're all worried about you,” Cosima paused, then drew closer to where Sarah was leaning, “I know the last few months haven't been easy on you, but... we all thought.. _I thought_ that things were getting better for you.”

“Yeah, well,” Sarah said flatly, shoving off of the wall away from Cosima, “They're not. Alright? They're not.”

“Tell me what's going on, Sarah, if there's anything you want to talk about-”

“Just-!” Sarah slashed a hand through the air, wincing slightly as a sharp twinge ran up the hand that she had slammed into the mirror. “Leave off Cos, will you please?”

“Sarah, I don't understand what the problem-”

“You!” Sarah rounded on Cosima, overcome with a sudden urge to shove her against the wall and scream in her face. Because it's not like she could kiss her senseless. “ _You're_ my problem, alright? You happy?”

Cosima blinked, completely nonplussed. “Sarah, what? What do you-”

“Actually, no,” Sarah carried on, pushing a hand through her hair as she started pacing. She probably sounded close to manic right now, but she didn't care. “You're right, no. You're not my problem. You _happy_ though... _that's_ my problem Cos. I can't, I've been standing here, watching the both of you, watching you _all_ move on with your lives – _christ,_ even Fee has bloody Colin now!”

Out of the corner of her eye, Sarah saw Cosima's shoulders fall. “This is about what you tried to tell me on the island, isn't it?”

“Christ, I _know_ it was all wrong, yeah?” Sarah dropped her hand back to her side, “Wrong time, wrong place – but I just.... I just _didn't know,_ Cos. When would _ever_ be the right time, half the time I was sure I wasn't going t'wake up the next day, that _any_ of us would-” she stopped herself suddenly. “I know what it's like not to tell someone that you love them one last time, you know? As stupid as it was, I don't regret it.”

“Sarah, I...,” Cosima sighed, tentatively reaching out and putting her hand on Sarah's shoulder and was relieved when Sarah didn't pull away. “I'm glad you were honest with me, but Delphine and I-”

“Don't,” Sarah flinched back, and Cosima bit her lip, frowning. “Just... don't, okay Cos? Y'don't need to explain anything to me. I already know – _hell_ I even knew back on the island. Christ, before that even. I didn't expect me tellin' you that I loved you more than a sister would change anything. I'd hoped, but...,” Sarah trailed off, shaking her head, “I know you love Delphine. And I'm...,” _happy for you,_ she tried to say. Felt sick even just _thinking_ the words. “It's good that you're happy. After all you've been through, you should be. Of all of us, you should be happy.”

“But Sarah, you've been through so much too,” Cosima tried, but Sarah just shook her head again.

“Don't say I should be happy too, Cos,” Sarah said, “I don't know how. You thought I was getting better, but I'm just getting better at hiding it – _again._ I'm not growing up, Cos. I'm not moving on. I was supposed to take mum's place, but with nothin' left to fight, I... don't know what to do.”

“Let us help you then, Sarah!” Cosima asked, her voice a soft plea. “We promised you, at Alison's that night, that we'd be by your side. We're all here for you, Sarah.”

“Yeah, I know you are. All of you,” Sarah said heavily, “Even Delphine.”

“Sarah-”

“It's too much sometimes, okay, Cos?” Sarah stopped her, “Seeing you with Delphine, knowing I'll never have what she has – that she has _you_ , it's just... I can't see that. Just let me deal with this one on my own, yeah?”

Cosima stared at Sarah. Her bloody hands. Her bruised face. “Please,” Cosima murmured softly, drawing slowly closer, “I can't keep watching you destroy yourself like this.”

“You didn't know me back then, Cos,” Sarah shrugged, reaching to pull her hood over her head. “But this is what I'm good at. It's what I've always been good at.”

“You're stronger than this, Sarah,” Cosima caught her arm as Sarah started to stride past her.

“I _used_ to be,” Sarah said quietly, “When I was fighting a war that I at least had a chance of winning.” She pulled out of Cosima's hold, “Tell Felix not to wait up for me, yeah?” Then she fled, leaving Cosima to stare after her as she stood alone on the sidewalk.

 


End file.
